Mon coeur

When I come back with you, won’t you be tired having to translate things for me?

“No, because by then you will be able to speak French.”

To have someone who believes in you.

It means the world.

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To love true.

Love does not need to be perfect

Love does not need to be perfect It just needs to be true.

In the night, my back to yours. You lift your arm and spread it across me, and it is a comfort. We find each other in the mountain of blankets, in the middle of your king bed. Through heartbreak, through hardships, you have held me close in the dark when I couldn’t see what would be coming next.

Love is a choice. A choice to make yourself vulnerable. I disagree when people say it is a sacrifice. In my opinion, true love doesn’t demand. It is something that grows from within, something small that takes root and encompasses all your other actions. An action that might have been a sacrifice once no longer is, when done in an act of love.

I give up on flashy love in favour for the quieter understated love that drives a man to move his king sized bed just in case the crumbly ceiling gives way and falls on his partner. It’s not a love that movies are written about – although the Theory of Everything does come close – but it is a more real love, it is a more genuine love than big declarations of love with no substance to back it up.

It’s not a super-exciting love, but it is something real, something solid that I can count on. It doesn’t keep count of wrongs, it grows as we make mistakes. You’re patient when I do stupid things, we laugh at each other and the only thing we really compete at is Sunny Seeds. Because love is a choice to live each tedious moment out, to hold your partner’s hand out of habit, to kiss for hours in the morning despite morning breath.

You have loved me beyond what I dreamt of, and I have loved you as my man. Happy Valentine’s Day, and here’s to happiness for us both.

Lest I forget

It’s been the end of a long week. Already, it’s the end of Week 3 of my practicum and things are going well. I’m loving the school I’m in and my colleagues have been absolutely lovely. It’s really true what they say – find someone to pay you (even though I’m unpaid) to do something you love, and you will never work a day in your life. It’s also astounding what a big difference staff culture and good colleagues can make to your working life. People say you ought to be professional and yes, you can work anywhere and show good work ethic – but honestly, working in an environment where your colleagues are out to tear you down and hog their resources is not conducive to a healthy state of mind.

Unfortunately, I’ve been down to 4 – 5 hours of sleep. After a normal school day I’m tired, but I still work on to 5 p.m. in the office anyway, before heading home. I’ll grab a shower and continue working. It’s not the most efficient but I’m hoping it’s enough to sustain me for the next few weeks.

So why am I writing this post? Just well, it’s been a really long week for me. So now I kinda want to crash in bed. But today is normally stayover night, and I’m stuck waiting on him to get back home before I can follow. Which kind of sucks. I just fell asleep (twice!) in Starbucks.

So I was whining inside to myself – but then I felt kinda ashamed afterwards. How many times before this had he waited on me to come home when I was out partying with my friends while he was comfortably tucked in bed? Instead of falling asleep, he waited till I got to his place at 2 a.m. a few times. So I guess I can exert my patience here.

I am learning, too.

Show not Tell

I was reading plenty of articles today on how to tell if your man loves you.

And then I realized it’s really irrelevant. Because, in many ways, you have shown me that you love me. When I teach English, we call it the show not tell technique. You have it in spades; your actions speak louder than words.

Bitter Coffee and Parting

A sense of weariness fills the interior of the cafe. On brick walls, books remain propped on a wooden shelf. New York. Australian & New Zealand. Sneakers. Architecture and Design. Beijing. Tokyo. The titles read like an eclectic collector’s dream. In the background, soulful tunes blend with the dark atmosphere (haven’t they heard of lights?) and culminate to produce CAD Cafe.

I’m here now, after a recommendation from John. The coffee beans are Toby’s Estate and I can’t fault them, the coffee is pretty good.

But for some reason, my mind is not on the coffee nor is it on the food.

It’s recalling certain things you said a few weeks ago, about how we couldn’t remain as friends. And I get sad, and then mad, and sad again. Which doesn’t make sense. I also have no right to make demands.

A delayed reaction perhaps. But I’ve been keeping it in and I needed to write about it.

The coffee today tastes as bitter as the tears of our farewell. Also, Norway is kind of ruined for me.

Of love lost, of love found, of being.

They’re everywhere. The sad ones. The hurt ones. The jaded ones. You notice it either in the way they look – their eyes don’t sparkle or even turn into ice chips at the mere mention of ‘the previous One’. Or you notice it in the way they speak, because like the way eyes are windows into the soul, your voice and tone are a conveyance of your thoughts and feelings.

I read an article today from EliteDaily, and in it the author writes of how young, passionate couples inscribe their initials on Love locks and add it to the famous love lock bridge of Paris. Only to return months, years, decades later when that relationship has failed and attempted to do crazy things in order to remove that lock.

Would I do the same thing? Hell, no. I’m all for closure. Do I understand why they do it? Yes, I do indeed.

I’ve never cried as bitterly as the day I did when we broke up. At that time, I could only see it as a failing. Now, I know better – I can understand the girl I was in love, the woman that I now know will not commit the same mistakes and the person I will grow to be.

When you love someone, you make yourself vulnerable to them. You give them a license to hurt you, you put them at your back. You take what is left of your heart and you hand it over to them.

Sometimes it’s a failed Big Love. Sometimes it’s a series of failed dates. Either way, the skip goes out of your step and the dreams go out of your wishes for awhile. I should know, since the latter happened to me. After my last relationship ended, I went through many, many frogs. I don’t know if I still am going through them, although right now it seems more hopeful.

The Key points I’d like to make are:

1. Live in the moment. There is no point entering every first date thinking, “Is this the One?”. Thoughts translate into actions, remember – he’s bound to subconsciously pick up on this and run, or you’ll stress yourself out to the point that interaction with this person will no longer become fun. Enjoy this moment you have with this person to get to know them.

2. As difficult as it is, give people a chance. I have a girlfriend who makes snap judgements and bear preconceptions towards men based on her prior experience. This is just unfair to the man because she’ll never see him as he is, she’ll forever be seeing him as someone she thinks he is.

Sometimes, the unlikeliest people will surprise you. Hold back on those judgements.

3. Get hurt. And get hurt some more. Eventually, you will realise that (strangely), everyone is looking for love (or their perception of it). And you will also come to the strange observation that everyone has different ideas of what constitutes love, sometimes people go looking for it in all the wrong places, or you realise that it wasn’t you that caused your heartbreak, but just a mismatch of ideals. It was no one’s fault, and you grow up as you learn to address that subconscious issue that maybe you’re just not good enough.

4. Smile with your heart. Such a cheesy line. But essentially what I’m trying to drive at is that positive thoughts + caring will translate into actions and such actions make you a more attractive person in general, not only to potential matches but also to existing loved ones.

5. Keep dreaming, keep dating, keep your heart open to Love. Don’t close your heart away because you may one day very well miss the one it was meant for.

I don’t know if this helped, but for now, I’m happy with where I am. Maybe things are not as clear as I’d like them to be, but they’re far better than they ever used to be.